Ah, the title says it all.
Why indeed? This is my perpetual problem, the reason I left Facebook, the impetus to start this online oration of my stream of consciousness. Today was a sad day. Not because anything particularly sad occurred, but because I was unable to avoid the thought and feeling of being alone and insignificant. It’s a familiar feeling for me, one I can’t remember ever being without. Maybe that should count as not being alone, right? After all, that feeling has always been with me.Undoubtedly some dumbass would think that a clever response.
Anyway, the thoughts and feeling of being alone is stronger some days than others. On days like today I realize how few people I have in my life, and those that I do have others that matter more to them than I ever will. I know this sounds like self pity, and I’m sure it is to some degree, but it’s also reality. And what it usually leads to for me is the question of “why?” Why am I alone? Why, when there are millions of not particularly smart or attractive or nice people that appear to have lives and even partners, am I alone?
For years I thought it was my looks. After 30+ years of that fantasy, I finally kind of figured out that’s probably not the issue. Just as my looks have started to go. Of course.
I also don’t think it’s due to lack of intelligence. I’m pretty sure I’m pretty damn smart. Yeah, that’s right, I said it!
And I’m not mean. Or am I? I don’t think so. But here’s where it gets complicated…
Have you ever considered that you might be coming across very differently than you believe? Why would you? I mean, why would one suspect one is unintentionally presenting oneself in a manner different than one means to present oneself? If I’m sad, why would I think I’m coming across as angry? That doesn’t make any sense, does it? Sure, most people try to hide their feelings to some extent. But what about those times you don’t try to hide them. Would you expect them to be grossly misread? I sure didn’t. Until recently.
But first off, I will be the first to admit that I’m not very good at hiding my feelings. At least, I thought I wasn’t. I wondered why people shied away from me when I was depressed, but when friends of mine were depressed, everyone tried to help them. I wondered if I was such a bad person that nobody cared how I felt. Then recently it was somehow brought to my attention that I often come across as angry. I thought that very odd. Not that I don’t get angry- I do, all the time. But it’s generally very transitory and not directed at those I care about. However, that’s not how it comes across. Even when I’m sad, it seems I often come across as angry. That can’t be enjoyable to be around. But how does one change a behavior in which is unintentionally engaging? That’s a question I’ve been mulling over for a while.
In the meantime, I spend alot of time alone. Sometimes content but more often afraid that I’ll never have the relationships with people that I’ve always wanted. And then I wonder: if noone cares, why should I?
I wish it were that simple or easy.
Tonight my solution is a bottle of premade Mimosas from Spain, purchased from Grocery Outlet for a mere $4.99. Maybe my mention of them will lead to a paid sponsorship. Now back to my tasty drink.