If they don’t care then why should I?

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Drowning my sorrows courtesy of Grocery Outlet.
(Sponsorship opportunities available! Inquire within!)

Ah, the title says it all.

Why indeed? This is my perpetual problem, the reason I left Facebook, the impetus to start this online oration of my stream of consciousness. Today was a sad day.  Not because anything particularly sad occurred, but because I was unable to avoid the thought and feeling of being alone and insignificant. It’s a familiar feeling for me, one I can’t remember ever being without. Maybe that should count as not being alone, right? After all, that feeling has always been with me.Undoubtedly some dumbass would think that a clever response.

Anyway, the thoughts and feeling of being alone is stronger some days than others. On days like today I realize how few people I have in my life, and those that I do have others that matter more to them than I ever will. I know this sounds like self pity, and I’m sure it is to some degree, but it’s also reality. And what it usually leads to for me is the question of “why?” Why am I alone? Why, when there are millions of not particularly smart or attractive or nice people that appear to have lives and even partners, am I alone?

For years I thought it was my looks. After 30+ years of that fantasy, I finally kind of figured out that’s probably not the issue. Just as my looks have started to go. Of course.

I also don’t think it’s due to lack of intelligence. I’m pretty sure I’m pretty damn smart. Yeah, that’s right, I said it!

And I’m not mean. Or am I? I don’t think so.  But here’s where it gets complicated…

Have you ever considered that you might be coming across very differently than you believe? Why would you? I mean, why would one suspect one is unintentionally presenting oneself in a manner different than one means to present oneself? If I’m sad, why would I think I’m coming across as angry? That doesn’t make any sense, does it?  Sure, most people try to hide their feelings to some extent. But what about those times you don’t try to hide them. Would you expect them to be grossly misread? I sure didn’t. Until recently.

But first off, I will be the first to admit that I’m not very good at hiding my feelings.  At least, I thought I wasn’t. I wondered why people shied away from me when I was depressed, but when friends of mine were depressed, everyone tried to help them. I wondered if I was such a bad person that nobody cared how I felt. Then recently it was somehow brought to my attention that I often come across as angry. I thought that very odd. Not that I don’t get angry- I do, all the time. But it’s generally very transitory and not directed at those I care about. However, that’s not how it comes across. Even when I’m sad, it seems I often come across as angry. That can’t be enjoyable to be around. But how does one change a behavior in which is unintentionally engaging? That’s a question I’ve been mulling over for a while.

In the meantime, I spend alot of time alone. Sometimes content but more often afraid that I’ll never have the relationships with people that I’ve always wanted. And then I wonder: if noone cares, why should I?

I wish it were that simple or easy.

Tonight my solution is a bottle of premade Mimosas from Spain, purchased from Grocery Outlet for a mere $4.99. Maybe my mention of them will lead to a paid sponsorship. Now back to my tasty drink.

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3 comments

  1. Joe Blow · · Reply

    Even when I’m not reading your posts or looking at your blog or talking to you on the phone, I still think about you every single day. Seriously.

    (Just for the record, no ever tried to help me when I was depressed.)

  2. Well there are people who care it’s just sometimes they may not live up to your expectations which may leave you feeling that they don’t care. Unfortunately many are just selfish too. I can only imagine how lonely it would be. You are not the only one out there feeling lonely. I’ve always thought about how hard it would be to connect with people in a city. You’d think it would be easy with such a high population. Coming from a small town it’s never been an issue to connect with people. You see the exact same ones at the grocery store at church at work, ect. Have you looked into support groups for this type of thing? And also honestly posts like this can make people uncomfortable because they may be afraid if they’re honest it will hurt you or they just don’t know what to say so they avoid the situation altogether. Just my thoughts:)

  3. I recently learned that my self perception of my personality and demeanor are very different than what I thought I was putting out and what others were really receiving. It took someone who cared enough, and wasn’t easily scared – to point this out to me. What I was saying in humor others were taking as insulting. Even my own children!!!! It’s very hard to recognize and change tho. Yet I do believe there are people who would appreciate my brand of humor and communication, it’s just not the people in my inner circle. So I have made efforts to be more aware of how people receive my thoughts and to clarify my intent when I see the communication has not been successful as I meant. Just my experiences for what its worth.

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