Yes, it’s time to air my complaints against famous people- celebrities, authors, maybe even people long dead!
Let’s see, where shall I start?
Ah! I know: Gwen Stefani.
Dear Gwen- I used to really like you. Or at least, what I saw of your persona in your band and in the media. But Gwen, oh Gwen, you have changed. All that fame, I guess.
An acquaintance of mine once told me that she met you years ago when you were on tour with No Doubt, and still playing small, local clubs. She said you were really, really nice. And seemed real.
But now, that Windows phone commercial…blech. You sound like a caricature of a celebrity. A cross between Paris Hilton and every other obnoxious, bleached blonde starlet on TMZ. It makes me sad. I used to admire your success. Now I see just another mass-produced American Idol, albeit one that’s almost 20 years older than the rest.
Okay, phew, glad to get that off my chest. Which, if I became a celebrity, I would not augment, thank you very much.
Next….George RR Martin, author of the book series “A Song of Ice and Fire,” of which the famed “Game of Thrones” is the first book.
Mr. Martin, I didn’t expect to, but I love your books. In fact, I find them so engrossing, that I finished the first 2 books, for a total of 1800 pages (give or a take a few pages) in the past two weeks.
However, George, this is a problem. Reading your books has interfered with the rest of my life: I haven’t worked on any sewing projects; my house is dirtier than usual’; I’m staying up til 3am to read. And I have not been looking for a job.
Now, normally I would have just delayed getting the next book when I finished the last, in order to get a breather and take care of some business. But the way you end your books makes that nearly impossible. I mean, c’mon, you don’t even end them! You merely STOP them, with no conclusions, no wrap-up, not even a little bit of , well, anything. How can you expect me to take a break?
And what’s worse, I’m already on book 3. You have only finished 5 books so far. I’ve read the complaints. I know you’ve been working on the 6th book for some time. I know it’s not due out for another 2 years and that your last book took 6 years to complete, leaving many upset fans freaking out. I know you do it on purpose.
Dude, your retarded (note-I’ve used this word in its literal sense NOT its pejorative use) writing pace has frustrated people to the point of creating blogs on the issue:
Apparently there are others, but I’ve not bothered to find them.
Listen, man, I’m with your other readers on this matter: finish the damn series before you die! You’re not a young guy AND from the pictures I’ve seen, you’re not particularly fit. If you die without wrapping up the loose ends of all the characters, I will sue your estate for emotional distress. I’m not kidding.
I’m of a delicate constitution. I suffer from OCD. I can’t live out my life not knowing. I can’t.
In fact, a friend of mine has already suggested I sue you, George. Why? Because your books have made it impossible for me to look for a job. I can’t concentrate long enough to look at ads or work on my resume. I’m always thinking about what’s going on with those characters. What’s going to happen to the direwolves? To Arya? Who are the Others? What are they going to do? Will Dany fly on her dragons?
Yes, I’m that lame.
Okay, I’ll wrap this up for today. Unlike George, I’m not going to leave anybody hanging. And unlike Gwen, I DO have time to sit around and read. Of course, I don’t have a job, and won’t find one ’til I’ve finished all five books. And then I’ll be fretting ’til 2015.
Gwen, maybe you should share your multitasking secrets with George. It might help him move those books along.